I have wanted to write a blog entry for several months now, but each time I move toward actually doing it, this voice inside of me holds me back. I guess I am not really a very good blogger as I don’t have a particularly strong desire to share a lot of information with people. I read many other people’s blogs and find it so interesting that many people want to share so much, so often. I suppose I am focused more in other areas.  

This year has been a particularly powerful year in terms of achievement and challenges for me personally. I have been very hesitant to break the veil that I am so comfortable with, projecting my eternal optimism into the world. While much of the lyrical content I produce has to do with themes of personal empowerment and a positive attitude, this past year I have experienced much less of the experience that I write about than I care to admit.  

I often remark to my musical partner Charlie how ironic it is to me that I am capable of writing a song like TONIGHT, whose lyrical content is all about deciding in your own mind how you want your life to be, creating that, experiencing that and being that – yet, in my own personal life, I struggle to live up to the ideal of my own idea. Sometimes I think that the song came through me to teach me about its meaning. I am still learning.  

Yes, I guess that it is the issue. I have visions in my mind about everything, from the way a song should sound to the way my life should be working out. When my experience does not meet up with the vision, I often feel dissatisfied. And in this year, where we have achieved our first national radio #1, produced a great video for which we continue to receive constant praise for and I have completed my master’s degree in interdisciplinary computer science, I have somehow found myself at what I think is the most miserable I have ever been in my life.  

Neither achieving a number 1 has nor earning my master’s has degree created exactly what I had in mind. But, as with most things, one day, maybe 6 weeks ago, something clicked and I realized how amazingly lucky I truly am to be able to simultaneously pursue so many things in this life and actually produce results that are acknowledged by others. I have started to open myself to the idea that maybe; just maybe, my idea of what things should look like is not the right one. Maybe the way things are is perfect for me and my growth. Even if I am wrong, I can tell you this is certainly a much better mental perspective from which to mine the opportunities that will form my future.  

I am very lucky to have such good friends and family in my life to support me as I have faced my own perfectionist this year. I am happy to report that I have come to a point where I now recognize that I am right where I wanted to be in my life. No, it is not as easy as I might have imagined, but when I really think about it, I know I did not want it to be easy. I am not the kind of person who enjoys being catered to but instead enjoys the experience of creating things myself. As I write this sentence now, I can once again feel the force of TONIGHT in me, running through me, reminding me that I can (and do) make up my mind about what I want to see.